I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
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How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*