2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
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they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson