Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
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[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.