Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
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Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Has there ever been a more American story?
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.