Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
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WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street