I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
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15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.