Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
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The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Bread puns are on the rise!
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Good Morning.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0