Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
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Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Not today
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
B
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Feels like the fourth month in January
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off