her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
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I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
notice
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
i spent way too long on this
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.