It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
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[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.