The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
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boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Breaking news:
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Not today
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Name this drama.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too