No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
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Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?