My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
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there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
*lint rolls you awake*
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Best mom ever 😂
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.