The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
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Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way