I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
You Might Also Like
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.