I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
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I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.