DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
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[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town