3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
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Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.