Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
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That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”