[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
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the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
how to have an accident 101
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now