Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
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Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
when u come home smelling like another dog
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
same bro
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.