These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
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[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?