I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
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You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
I don’t get marriage
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
A duv-egg? In this economy?
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him