I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
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Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
I think I’ll stand
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”