Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
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genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Who’s your best friend?
it’s the silliest best thing
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Breaking news:
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list