99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
You Might Also Like
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
TODAY
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.