i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
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“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
This could’ve been an email.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
dogs can find happiness so easily
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.