How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
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“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”