I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
You Might Also Like
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.