I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
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Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆