My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
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“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
The pasta is now
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.