Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
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My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
become ungovernable
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*