Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
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No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
me: my friends:
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars