[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
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Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.