Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
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{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
My dress code is business-casualty.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.