To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
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My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.