4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
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I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.