Krampus.
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[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Wait a minute…
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?