I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
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yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
i want the dreams to chase me for once
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Is this you?
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
some Old Testament wisdom
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.