Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
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Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul