Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
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Thanks to a fan for this one!
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
At least he brought enough for everyone
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Guys, I found it.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH