[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
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Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?