The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
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A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”