Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
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Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
I have a new favorite meme page
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro