Getting married soon just need a spouse
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Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit