Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
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“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.