Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
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My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza