Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
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DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.