5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
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You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”