I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
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What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.